my brain through the rain

Trial by fire

2011-08-04T09:12:00.000-07:00

trial by fire
we are all just dirty
theives and liars
crashing about for our own selfish gain
pulling up walls
sealing in shame

here I sit and want to scream
again and again

no
you won't win this time
I've cried to many tears
been fed to many lines
I'll stand by the truth
till it's all I have
running through my hands

Trial by Fire
as the flames consume higher
judgements come flying
but there are souls still crying
dying for a chance
dying and all we do is dance

NO -- I've cried to many tears
lived too many years
to turn back now
flames come and consume me
burn an hole right through me
maybe then we'll finally see
truth and spiritual reality

How can I be ~ a purposeful sinner
when you call yourselves winners
there is no perfect or right
we all live now in this night
but the difference now
is I live for light
I live for light

Trial by fire
this desert burns with dire
consequence
and I guess ~
here we will be alone.
I feel alone

2010-10-04T16:44:00.003-07:00

This grey
this day, the way
I feel
inside
I try
hard not to steal

my peace away
this peace today

breathe deep
this calm
it's sick
this tick
he just can't help
the pain of it

and the rain in my heart pounds
thick tears coming down
how long
to smother this anger song

will this go on forever
seems like recovery is never
everytime, it burns
just a little more
pierces my the hard in my heart
just a little bit more

so how can I keep it soft inside
these scarred up wounds I try to hide
they chase after me
dark alley every time

how I'd like to slam the door
grab the poison
and spill to the floor
will these dreams keep coming
if we keep having more

2010-06-01T10:06:00.002-07:00

Deep Blue Sky
I look up and wonder why
looking down
to see the sounds
of heavy hearts cried dry

laying dreams and life now done
into a hole
dirt dried by the sun
and a box
covered in flowers

yellow petals plead innocent
joy turned sudden distant
seems no sense
just longing
hearts breaking heavy

But up in the plains of that Blue Sky
I know he flys
little hands held high
worship for no more pain
his little broken body
whole once again

How will we let go
will we let ourselves
embrace the new joy
that comes with the mourning
or let it turn inward
callous our hearts into hard
unchanging and blaming
beings

Let it not be so
we need only some time
given to know
our hearts will soon mend
we're not broken
only bent
and this is what our Saviour meant
about sacrifice.

2010-04-08T12:11:00.003-07:00

I'm tired of all this shallow
this hanging onto lies
the blood that slips within my viens
longs for more than just
your prize

and insincere flattery
will get you in the end
no home, no box
to lay your head
to torn to sit and mend

you burn my eyes with what you hold inside
this heartaches for nothing
but freedom
you burn my eyes with what you hold inside
what you hold
is not enough
when it come crashing down
what will hold you
in the end?
sick friends

Drum beats

2010-02-23T09:30:00.002-08:00

This morning, Lord
forgive me
for when I heard your still small voice
whisper
to love your word
and write it upon my heart
for grass whithers
and flowers fade
but the word of God stands forever

My heart was willing
but my flesh was weak
and I listened instead
to the drum beats of life
rattle in my head

Lord forgive me

2010-02-01T15:24:00.002-08:00

It's a very fine line, a thread if you will
that we balance
when the emotions start to take over
threatening to capsize
this small fragile vessel
wanting nothing more than
to curl up and disappear
there is no more shreds of fear
just empty
hollow, unable to distinguish
feelings from tears
from outside
to in
let me in, I scream in my head
and they ransack my carefully collected
dream box of ideas
my ego, shudders and shuffles
pride turns quickly to anger
and self pity
too quickly
no control
why do they rage
un attended un accounted for
why can't I grab them
drag them down
tear them apart
and fill this heart with
whole?
this is all slowly killing me
I cry inside
they beat me some more
try to throw me out the door
is this really all there is
I refuse to believe
I cannot conceive
a life
this oppressed
it's all such a mess
maybe I just need
a little rest

2010-01-18T16:11:00.003-08:00

and it came down
torrents and majesty
whipping and lashing
the building
trees bowing and breaking
into submission
waters became air became wind
and pressure
sheets of tears
raining down from heaven
heavy to hear
repentance
as justice meets mercy
and the waters shift
the ocean blows sideways
and there is but brief
rest

For You

2009-11-24T08:49:00.002-08:00

oh, how to run, how to hide
hide the pain I feel inside
take my words
smash my pride
for you

for your purpose
for your reasons
take your place
burn my seasons
dry tinder
to flare
into flame
for you

All that's left
let me bleed out praise
passion for prayer
a song that will raise
Your Name

Thoughts while I wake
all of them to take
captive
so I will grow
and I will know
you more

And I run this race
all the trials I may face
keep me in my place
for you

2009-11-16T09:08:00.005-08:00

sitting cloaked in silence
ignoring your arrogance
lost in ambivalence
accepting my circumstance

the sentence I carry within my self
the choice to do unto
lest I be judged
our jury will be the same
therefore I will not blame

I will be strong
I will be strong
will not be dragged along
through what you do

crushed as you plant your negativity
lost inside the grips of self-made insanity
plucking loose the only strings of creativity
ignoring me
you're ignoring me, but ...

I will be strong
I will be strong
will not be dragged along
through what you do

when it all comes down
and we cast our crowns
it's what you choose to lose
it'll all come back to you

I will not shrink, I will not hide my love
and i will not fight I will not hate
lest I be judged
for it'll all come down
it'll all come down, down
it'll all come down
cast your crowns ...

it'll all come down, down
it'll all come down
cast your crowns ...

Rain on me

2009-10-10T18:04:00.002-07:00

chorus:
For I was not made to be anything but ashes
Rain On ME
Remind me that my life is just breath that passes
Rain On Me

We are all broken
lives like butterflies
fragile, fleeting
beautiful
no matter the hue
of our times

but somehow we unravel
trying to fix the
brokeness
just ourselves
and we create hell

And when nothing else makes sense
draw me near draw me near
nothing else makes sense
it's just your whisper I can
hear ...

My Father's Child

2009-09-23T10:25:00.002-07:00

(SEA tuning)

So far I've come
this broken home
now it's just my own
light streams by my face I
sit in the quiet
and I'm not really alone
in this home

Sometimes in this quiet
when I am not really alone
I long for what I've never known
So far I've come
this broken home
now my own
as light streams by my face
as life streams by my face

for this is
when I
am my
Father's child
oh,
stealing his gaze
wanting his smile

singing these words to
the air breathe
you're all I need
and I'm wanting him
to hear me
I'm wanting him
to hear me

for this is
when I
am my
fathers' child
oh

time steals my breath to speak your name
time steals my breath to speak your name
cause ...

St Josephs Oratory , Montreal 2007

2009-09-20T15:05:00.001-07:00

Is it possible to see human humility before God and religious debauchery within the same frame of time and distance? Today, before I departed the old, cultured and slightly cluttered city of Montreal, Dave, Karen and myself all went up Mont Royal (which, I didn’t realize until today, is actually how Montreal got it’s name … from the Mountain) anywhoo. You can look out over the east side of the city, see the Olympic Stadium in it’s architectural splendor, placed against the hazy morning sky.
It’s a short drive to the west side of the mountain, past old, seriously aging buildings, McGill University Research Hospital and the former residence of Pierre Elliot Trudeau till you turn on a road, which really looks like any other, you can scarcely brace yourself for the magnitude of the structure that appears on the left.
St. Josephs’ Oratory is a mountain of a church. Built right into the side of Mount Royal, it’s a Catholic monument, of seemingly monstrous proportions. It’s taller and wider than other well-known edifices such as St. Pauls in London, NotreDame in Paris and Saint Patricks in New York.
There are stairs leading up to the building, upon which many people go up on their knees, as a pilgrimage to God, in sacrifice, prayer and petition I guess. As I walked up the stairs, in my ripped jeans and T-Shirt, I saw a couple, ahead of me by a good 20 stairs, the mother clutching her child (who was crying) and her husband (?). They made their way, each stair, on their knees and I actually felt overwhelmed, with a feeling of reverence, I felt compassion for them, and I did pray to God that whatever it was they were seeking, that their prayer would be answered. I felt ashamed too for myself, walking up so casually, if we all had that kind of devotion, even desperation to reach out to God in that way, can you imagine the state of our hearts? It was the highlight of this part of my journey for me. To come to a place, with so much history, I wondered (holding the beliefs that I do,) does God delight in this building, the decadence that they have inside and out. Or does God look through our polished stones and stained glass, and long to see us on our knees, in humility, awe and reverence for a God who came down from heaven so we could approach His throne in fear and thanksgiving and ask for forgiveness, only to be accepted by such a loving Saviour?
As we entered the “church” (the main sanctuary on the bottom floor) there was a service in progress, many people lined up for confession (which I humbly disagree with). If you explored further, there is a place where they actually just left the mountain wall, complete with fresh water trickling down the stones, it smelled of clay and moisture, it was dark and secret.
There was another room, holding in an eerie glow, 10,000 candles, you could “purchase” a candle (tea light) and light one for someone you wanted to pray for (I’m guessing).
Further in and further up in the church lay the tomb (literally) of the founder, Brother Andre’s, who passed away in 1937. If you think that’s weird, it gets better. In another room (same floor) is a shrine which holds this guys heart (preserved) it’s French tradition, supposedly, to preserve the hearts of royalty and other famous people, I guess this fellow was no exception. I found it creepy.
We didn’t even begin to explore the whole building, I had a flight to catch (which, thanks to the grace of God, I am passed immigration, and on my way home) But we did go outside and see a garden titled the Way of the Cross. I would have loved to walk all through the pathways, there were statues along the way, depicting Christ’s walk through his crucifixion and resurrection, I photo’d just three of the statues, there are in fact seven (I believe, but not sure). The beauty of the garden was more wonderful and peaceful to me, than any of the inside of the Oratory itself. If anywhere, I thought, God would inhabit here.
I think the bottom line is, God is not confined to a building, of any kind. His true church is His people. He is wherever they are. He is with those humbly crawling on their knees up stairs seeking His face. He is with those who have willing and seeking hearts, inside the chapel, praying to a God they know and love, and He is with the girl in the ripped jeans and T-Shirt, walking in wide-eyed wonder at this world and speculating about her place in it. I was touched and changed today by that place, but perhaps in a more unconventional way than most. Thank you Father for being my guardian.

May 17th; 5:30 a.m. San Diego International Airport, gate 33

2009-09-20T15:04:00.001-07:00

In the interests of fully documenting my trip, here I sit, in a steel grey, larger than life Airport terminal. Waiting, which I guess, is what you do best when you wait for your airplane.
I could go down and get some breakfast, or perhaps a coffee, but my stomach’s already totally freaked out, although, I have to say, I do feel fine right now.
It’s pretty quiet here, only the hum of the overhead fluorescents to keep my ears company. Don’t get me wrong, I could plug my ears into my little iPod shuffle and be grooving away, I just kind of like the buzzing silence right now.
The days ahead of me carry so much uncertainty, but I choose, right here and now, as I type, no NOT be afraid, of anything. I know God brought us here, US, me and Jay, to San Diego, for some reason. He will let me back into the country. It’s just so strange to reflect on everything that’s happened, and see myself here, sitting, waiting for that illusive flight to Montreal. The trip, that I waited so patiently for while in Canada, that simply never came.
There are no mistakes, and there are no coincidences with God. His timing is so perfect. I trust in that.

June 26/09

2009-09-20T15:02:00.001-07:00

Can you help me understand
this shape I'm in,
this place, this waste
This unbecoming wisp of what
is not
what it seems?

Loving memories last forever,
and that they do, but
slowly the memories fade
and soon I won't even be able to be here.
what happens when I can't remember anymore?
Distant shore of time
that holds all my preciouses
in borrowed time
it's all borrowed time
not mine
and these fake trees do NOT do justice to your memory

It's lonely
listening to trees
and birds that dont' care
I miss you
my beautiful family tree
my solid oak and my weeping willow
now carried down to
my mom and I
will we carry you , as you carried us?

I hold your sweet memory in my heart
your beautiful years
your cooking, your stories...
my scabbie legs that you gently tucked in

my friend when there was none...
did you understand my message?
did you hear my heart?
I believe you did...
my earth dad, we will wade into the river of life together in the end
nothing can take that away...
I love you forever
my grandpa my grandma
forgotten under earth now
but in this place,
there is peace
I feel it
I see it,
I bet you sat here too, looking and thinking this was a good place to rest...
Father, forgive me for my anger, this dangerous state I am in,
This reckfull abandon, of wishing to explode
you go on forever
like the sky, we cannot see the end, we can get lost in it's unendingness
you are here
you are here

Star Pine take 1

2009-09-09T20:34:00.002-07:00

unblind my eyes so I can see
the dead and dying all around me
the lost, the broken
words unspoken
breath life breathe life

Star pine
arms stretched to the sky
oh, I could die
Star pine
sign of these times
strung, done and high
oh, I could die

Grains of sand
strewn across this land
parade of wealth
on bent and broken shoulders
and coud your eyes
stare any colder

I'm too cold, just sittin' here
to burnt
to unclear
but the words to action is what I fear

I'm not a puppet w/ strings to play
words and stories
you make me say
theres a heavens lullaby
my heart longs to cry
how long?

embrace this love
fall into from above
there's an army
growing in my soul.

2009-09-09T20:23:00.003-07:00

We follow the lie of least resistance
feuling the flames of distance
we seek that which will come most easily
only to be lost into it completely

seek ye first
the Kingdom of God.
I'll walk in His garden
be planted by the streams
sit and listen patiently
as love washes over me
and discover that this
alone
is tranquility
Breathe in me

2009-08-18T13:16:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I don't know where I fit
and I feel alone

Anything but Ashes

2009-08-11T17:11:00.006-07:00

For I am not made
to be anything but ashes

and dust that flies
away in the wind

Take my life
to be everything and broken
in your safety
your hands heal me

potter of my life
mud that is shaped
pressed together
made forever
only because of your love
what you bled
and beauty from above

S.

2009-06-24T13:24:00.002-07:00

if it disturbs you
does it still make it o.k.
to shove it under a pretty rug
for just another day

walk with me slowly,
as we talk amounst ourselves
about the lies we hide behind
broken hearts up on a shelf

You can share your thoughts with me my friend
I'm easy to disguise
better than the broken glass
and masks that you try to hide

Step by step towards the open door
one foot in front
the other no more
try as we might
this life will always be a fight
what's wrong what's right

So these feelings, and these pretty things
strewn along my tattered floor
they're your's if you want them
will you open yourself to them?

There's something real
the real big deal
squatting in the corner
face to the walls
it'll gettcha if you're not careful
it'll gettcha if you're not wareful

practice makes perfect is what they say
we're breeding and bleeding a perfect mess
when we treat each other this way
why is it so hard to fight you
each and every day
makes me not want to live here anymore
anymore
makes me not want to live here anymore
anymore

Your Arms

2009-06-23T11:58:00.002-07:00

I find myself asking
to many times today
why do I feel this way
why do can't I fight today

when all's crashing
caving breaking
and all this heart
longs for the taking
grasping
reaching
slipping
seeping
this life, this life

where's this love
that held me close so long
how I long for
your arms
I long for your arms

and where's this love
that keeps telling me to be strong
how I long
for your arms
your arms
how I long
for your arms

Start me over again
looking for the tints
of some sweet friend
I need a rescue
self imposed cerfew
a re-do
make me new

Crying out from the inside
I can't stand to swim through
these lies
anymore
break down this
lead door and --

where's this love
that held me close so long
how I long for
your arms
I long for your arms

and where's this love
that keeps telling me to be strong
how I long
for your arms
your arms
how I long
for your arms

holding my breath
for all thats' left
shot in the chest
where's the justice

Evening

2009-06-15T19:45:00.002-07:00

waves
the sound -- only faint crashes against my ear
the low steady rush of a thousand million miles of water
coming to rest on our sandy steps
forward, momentum, babbling bubbles
wash and receed
and kiss my feet

clouds
blue grey billows that cascade across the sky
flowing, changing, resting and reshaping
forever in a blessed cycle of freezing, motion, falling
as liquid life
they slowly churn across my sky
with hints of pink and golden crowning their unseen
kingdoms of imagined splendor
changing every hour

the sun
stretches tired across the sky
muted gold and dusty pink
melting and falling over everything it sees
colors, constantly changing as it leaks and streams through
the holes in the dark blue blanket
that covers this ocean

I watch
the sky being painted
a new color every second
and slowly growing darker
the ocean says goodnight

2009-06-01T14:21:00.004-07:00

I am tired of small relationships
miles and miles of wide,
only inches deep inside

I am growing dead inline
with all that hates me
wants to see me quit
suffer through it

where is the warm
burning ember that I remember
talked to in my slumber
full of life and wonder

why, why, can't I see through the lies anymore
getting struck to the core
with numb, this numb fuzz
that dulls all my anger
dulls my surrender
it's like quick sand
in a barren land
drowing me slowly
these ropes loose
but hold me

I am made my own captive
tell me just what that is
a pirate sailing my own personal sea of sadness
ship wrecked and torn down
miles of smiles cast golden frowns
but there is no treasure
that I remember
like that glowing ember

Put back together again

2009-04-14T16:21:00.002-07:00

I don't know where i fit anymore
I can't see the lights
can't tell the closed doors
there's so many of us
who can we trust
who can we trust

and in this dark room
bitter bags and perfume
it lingers here
my one true fear

why can't I see anymore
what is this life for
break me
break me
so I can be put back together again

and yet, as those words escape my lips
do we know what we ask
there's no easy task
left alone to grasp
who can we trust
who can we trust

It's gets so tired,
sitting here pretending
I don't notice
your flaming arrows of ignorance
and in-consistence
oh, and no offence
but I can't trust you
anymore

why can't I see anymore
what is this life for
break me
break me
so I can be put back together again
by loving hands ...

hands that bleed
for you and me
hands that freed
me from slavery
hands that need
me just to see
this sliver of light
I need to fight ...

why can't I see anymore
what is this life for
break me
break me
so I can be put back together again

2009-03-11T15:34:00.003-07:00

On the eve
I am on the edge
of a flattened plain
a dieing ledge
and there's no way around
no ups and or down
it's not found

A sickened state
do or die fate
all the love to hate
that we all propagate
its' all coming down
sticks and stones
abound

push me
out of the way
it's our dieing day
run me around now
it's lost and I'm found
now

imagine overflow
turn lights down low
inner sanctum
it's aglow
burn my cracks
into streamsempty space
I'm found

2009-02-19T08:24:00.002-08:00

I am
taking my hands
stirring up the winds
sands that fly
and scrape our eyes
only serve to deny
my life that's the lie

Hold me true
to you
Holding on fast
to the only thing that lasts

for we are like grass
birth, bloom, and blaze
in the suns of todays
till only charred
remains

and then the wind
stirring up again
only you
my faithful friend,
will stand
forever.

2009-02-09T16:51:00.002-08:00

I long to sing sweet simple songs
of life and love, what's come and gone
but there's too much sorrow
and the day is too long
for a sweet and simple,
solitare song

There's beauty outside the window sometimes
when the sun is bright, the ocean sublime
but the clouds come too soon
and the day's no longer so fine
to enjoy beauty and
a sweet simple song

These Hands

2009-01-28T14:25:00.003-08:00

Call me back from whence I came
Lovers and liars are all not the same
stringing sweet lullabyes through the pouring rain
and I wait

Tide pools and details of earth, rock and fire
stretch me to the sky and dredge muck & mire
Sillouettes dance with demonic desire
waiting for me

These hands
scarred, scraped
folded within hope
one day
to never be the same
like this girl now
never the same

Laugh at me, Loathe at me, hold drinks to the sky
just like Star Pines, all earth lives soon will die
no questions of when, but how we all scream why
I will wait

These hands
scarred, scraped
folded within hope
one day
to never be the same
like this girl now
never the same

Thrust me towards
eternity
only You can
Broken and bleeding
we are all needing
only You can

Alone

2009-01-17T20:37:00.003-08:00

And this is when I feel alone
watching broken lives play out
no one on the phone

tasers and lights
struggles and fights
give up man
see the whites of our eyes
shuffle and step up
our bodies will die

The black night that lives and sighs
outside my window
the velvet and neon
that creeps through
we all know

it lies and waits for me
to lay awake
bed spins
long for sleep
while there are no arms for holding
no strength forboding

just you and me
and a cold TV
maybe this glass of wine
is all I need

2008-10-06T16:41:00.002-07:00

No words
for a splitting hurt
that wedges
it's corners
clutters her heart

No words
for a crying hurt
empty longing
for that something
to make everything better

but the darkness
does dip into daylight
and as silence lingers
just a little longer
the sun will split
the rain clouds
wide
open

there is no why
well, maybe sometimes
but in manners
of the hurt
there is no explanation
only sad songs
empty lullabyes'
and
long lost goodbyes

Someone please tell
the conductor
to slow down.

2008-09-01T08:48:00.002-07:00

The Devil is a sneaky one,
isn't he, isn't he?

Running with a loaded gun
straight at me, straight at me

words are flying,
thoughts are crying
false fears and tears
hope is dying

and when I wake
gotta shake
heartache headache
what's it gonna take?

See these eyes -- this child
can't be bought or sold anymore
See these night-terrors
as they crumble to the stained floor
See your chances
run down the walls
a different spirit calls
me out.

So now truth speaks
calls me here, outside of fear
a lovers kiss between
righteousness and peace
that brings me here
outside of fear

and no one can take
this healing of heartache
away, but you
but you ... '

and I'll give up
this cup of mistrust
spilling down -- it overflowed somehow
but I'll give up
the fight and the lust
as it gathers dust
grows cold, and decays...
soon we'll all end up this way ...
and so I pray ...

See these eyes -- this child
can't be bought or sold anymore
See these night-terrors
as they crumble to the stained floor
See your chances
run down the walls
a different spirit calls
me out.

Go Slow

2008-07-07T16:22:00.004-07:00

Go Slow,
afraid to grow
go Slow,
afraid to know
Go Slow
afraid to care

hold now my fear

Go Slow
afraid to know

I follow to slow

GO slow
afraid to know or care
my fear
is near

(repeat)

I swear,
I'll be there ---

chorus:

Deny
I run
like rain through my window
fast or slow
watch me go now

rain flows
as I follow
through my window
fast or slow
watch me go

I don't care
what you waste now

(verse 1)
when you choose to follow
I watch
my ....

(break)
watch me go now
watch me care
fire burns out
ashes in my hair
and I say
oh
now you know,

now you know ... watch me go
now you know

tear run
paler now
watch me
can you now catch me now ~

Corporate Rambling 02

2008-06-22T19:49:00.003-07:00

and this is just when I feel like a prisoner
but still in your care
cannot raise my voice, for fear of screaming
it out
cannot raise my eyes
for fear they will all find me out
but still in your care, you are there

in everyway each and every day these thoughts
float and fall
self suffering, self indulgent
indignant
they don't really see me
tired in your eyes as you painfully disguise
your smile
---------------------
draw me nearer
clearer
I can see you
across these murky, misty waters
walking over
to me

my hands take these
rusty burning distant lands
taste these
tears as they fall
water falls
that covers it all.

Coroporate Rambling 01

2008-06-22T19:45:00.002-07:00

should I try to be like you?
live under the cororate hand
bowing to the "wo-man"
in the high heeled shoes

Should I give it all and give it up
giving in to the righteous lexus,
and the designer makeup?

they smother me down the realities of broken peole
and broken homes, lives
suffocation in this barren sky scrapping land
climbing that ladder higher
squeeze a little tighter, before it all falls down,
I'll burn my paper crown
it's ironic, how sick they can make me,

Scrawl these dreams a littel clearer
so I can hear Him a little better
so find the present

Crown of life to those who love HIM.

Corporate Jenny

2008-06-03T11:41:00.004-07:00

feel this flame
burning inside
your walls cannot contain it all

stumbling through
the lives we hide
these masks we make
are insufficent mistakes

hear those designer heels walking
down the green-lit hall
solitary soldier sounds
sometimes make no noise at all

I'll do it three times
just to get it right
in your eyes
corporate jenny

I'll sacrifice my time
and hope the money's
worth this spite
corporate jenny
just to take
all your self-made hate
but it's o.k.
we all make mistakes

I'm getting good at hiding my life
behind these eyes
you have no idea what's inside

What seems so perfect
it's all the rage
till it all falls down
and your drowning in it now

it's a daily practice
to see and feel
how all your insincerity
can steal my
heart away
well,
not gonna take that today --

its' a lip-stick-love-hate
relationship
it's a hit-fall-hate us all
what's it going to take?

hollow halls
hollow souls
we've got jumpers
on every corner

you can only smile, for a little while

2008-05-01T20:54:00.002-07:00

A fool am I ... left on the floor
you think your sore -- so self absorbed
selfish acts, reap selfish gain
look in the mirror, only your to blame
cross my fingers it won't happen again

screams inside
they pour out of my eyes
and still you lie
but I am justified

Swollen Girl

2008-04-25T15:02:00.002-07:00

many nights she's cried
and cringed against
a hated friend
wishing to help wanting
to hold onto the dream
which slips like sand past
her fingers
the nights get longer
colder
she longs for love, lost
pains of rejection
she counts the costs of
staying
praying
living a half life
closing and dieing inside
and decides
life,
she needs to breathe
fresh air to whip against
her tears
drying her cheeks and feelings
up until
all that's left is a carefully
crafted
manicured box
she wants to feel
the way things were in the beginning
but time won't let her hold
onto memories anymore
the bruises of broken
feelings stain her face
but in it's place
the bloom
of certain, unmade hope
clings to her window sill
be still
and know
that He cries too.

Never Enough

2008-02-16T08:28:00.003-08:00

i've been thinking

in this dark place,

scattered thoughts and

frozen moolight

run along my face

I'm stuck in a corner

these cobwebs

increase

in size and might

soon I won't be able to fight

anymore

this is what I fear

it's never enough

this dark bitter cup

we've been drinking

of a life

thought to live in vain
you said

you could see the end

but I've never seen

there's no inbetween

and it's never enough

So I twist and take

my heart inside

bury it down and

say I'll swallow my pride

but what's really left?

tear after tear

makes a hole

trys to heal

tear after tear

scars the skin

numb to feel

soon

light will break it's way in

but this is what I fear

not today

and it's ...

it's never enough
this dark bitter cup
we've been drinking
of a life
thought to live in vain you said
you could see the end
but I've never seen
there's no inbetween
and it's never enough

2008-02-06T10:38:00.000-08:00

I'm going through a season in my life where i feel like I don't know who I am anymore.
I feel like I thought I knew myself, knew what i wanted,
and I stand now, with all normalcy ripped out from under me...or so I feel ... and this is the deal.
----------------------------------------
Thought I was this wonderful thing
to find only dirt
only a skelleton of shadows
and too much make up
trying to makeup for everything
that is empty in my soul
what a joke
sick pathetic little thing
running in circles
pay attention to me
I'm not the one that matters
feel like
if I don't DO something that matters
soon
it will all be for lost
for nothing
for my heart beating
will be a waste of space
communal decay
everyday I'm dying
inside
---------------------------------------------------

2008-01-18T18:02:00.000-08:00

When old friends become strangers.
these roads no longer know me
I just float and let the cold enfold me
let it chill my bones
it's no longer a home
but a prison I long to be free from

And all these icy streets
no longer call my name
none of it looks the same
as tears sting the cheeks
of this quiet white coffin
natures frozen
in time
and it's no longer mine

and I don't even remember
what made me run so far
away

God help me remember
before I loose myself
to this thing that never stops
my life
ebbing away,
blown astray by these cold winds
I never want to see again.

But I put on such a happy face
so full of love and grace
but inside
unsure, unmade, and so afraid
of the future
these lines blur all the time

Here I am alone
Here I am stripped
and ripped
till all thats left
a broken
selfish little girl
on the floor
I can't take it anymore

Sniper Fire

2008-01-04T09:06:00.001-08:00

This anger makes my heart grow stronger
I tell myself
beneath the hidden yells
and drives by the ocean's shelf

These screams really aren't me
I admit to myself
eventhou
as my rage grows
it's the only one things
that helps me cling to the dream
---------------------
So, as I stuff it quieter
the secret sniper takes fire
flaming arrows
from the evil ones
they laugh and cry
throw me away to die
but I'm still alive
---------------------
My heart, isn't what it should be
could be in a true reality
but who can say
or see,
it certainly isn't me

And beneath my calm exterior
this pile of muscle
and chains of viens
my spirit grows brighter
like a flare flying
heavenward
onward

and my voice will erupt
just wait and see
it won't be me
---------------------
So, as I stuff it quieter
the secret sniper takes fire
flaming arrows
from the evil ones
they laugh and cry
throw me away to die
but I'm still alive
---------------------
oh, the passion of it all
if you could only see
the real me

only you can take these
golden wings
trodden on and destroyed
and break them
only to make
them better

and we don't understand
why broken is beautiful
we don't understand
why suffering
is crucial
we don't understand
the mercy cries of your hands
of your hands
your broken hands

2007-12-04T16:02:00.001-08:00

Rendered starlight in a make-shift sky
which as I try to fly
my navigation makes the heart
grow faint
ever seeking
searching
trying and believing
is this for me?
and what do I really see?

Surrendered moolight that makes
lovers cry
bathes my rooms
with crystal, impending
doom
of which what I see
is this really me?

oh
tapestry's unravelling
I'll tie up all the strings
all these pretty things
and make this
something beautiful

oh
loves not lost to me
this fragrant oil
my gift to Thee
make my life
something beautiful

Crystal cathedrals wrapped in
blue, cream and dreams
wash upon the shore
dance before my eyes
and I want more
so much more
than what is here now
but how?

Sunbeam diamonds dance
off in the distance to
horizon's edge
oh how I want to
just run
over the waters
screaming, floating fast
but it never lasts

One More Step

2007-11-27T07:11:00.001-08:00

In the blink of an eye,
we shuffle, we cry
arch forward and die
just to survive
this mess, this
archaic test
this technological
hideous jest of life
drowning in papers
drowning in salt water
drowining in tears
that stretch clear
to the horizon
--------------
I'm not alone
as I cling to the little
joy life brings
I'm not forsaken
or broken
just tuck me in
and tell me
sleep tight,
you'll see me in the morning
----------------
So roll over once more
this hideous strength
keep unlocking
doors of back-lit
banter
The truth really
does matter
grab it and hold
it tight
with all your might
it's just the dawn of the
new age of fighting
soul blood, metal
and lightning ...

This is the way
we wander
through valleys
that crack, crevases
wreak havoc on minds
that have no strength
anymore,

just one more step
take
just one more step
it could be all that's left

spirally down
do you hear the sound
it's small and underwater
under-real what's gotten
into our skin
They've all been crying
"Let us in"
Fallen Beauties
of a once familiar Glory
now gone usunder
Don't let them get under
my skin

Fire Storm

2007-10-22T19:41:00.000-07:00

The world is on fire
and so am I
why is it,
everytime
I'm alone,
under this sky

chaotic atmosphere
awaiting
death ignition

weather pattern's
of their own
it's not
our decision

feeling helpless
wondering what is next
Dear Heavenly Father
please put an
end to this mess

a fire storm burning
licking up the earth
eating everything
in it's path
devouring
eating
moving
advancing
merciless
flames
from the mouth
of the desert

2007-10-16T07:44:00.000-07:00

She's all grown up
a beautiful girl with this infectious smile
it could go on for miles
but she's one of those people
who's got the world on a string
it's wrapped up around her
every common occurance
this personal tradgedy,
which really mocks the finality

she thinks she's got it all
and knows it all too
so what's God trying to tell you?

It's a game
in your mind
we play it all the time
maybe we need to stop
lying to ourselves
that we've not got it all
divided and
compartmentalized
and figured out
Maybe be we've got
to get real with ourselves
theres not enough time anymore
to pretend
and play this game
of who cares the most about me

turn yourself inside out
for the whole world to see
including me

The real joke is: we know, no ones playing anymore
all the makeup in the world can't
hide what we feel inside
and all this hyped up drama
that swirls conveniently around you
really means nothing except the power
that you give them.
And, do you give it to them.

So, in the end, who's to say
you'll come visit and we'll pretend it's all o.k.
we'll laugh at your jokes,
say our five words and watch you leave
out the door.

Oh, I want you to see
wish we could have those heart to hearts that are
supposed to be.
Wish we could watch the sunset over the ocean and just be
silent, knowing we're both seeing the same thing
But you've got to have this world
on your string.

Just Breathing

2007-09-25T08:52:00.000-07:00

I'm lying
silent
awake
not sleeping
just breathing

I'm trying
nodding
and taking
not needing
but believing

and as waters rush over my toes
the same story goes
on, and on
why is there comfort
in staying the same
when we really need change?

I'm sitting
trying
to live
not sleeping
just breathing

I'm creating
my best
better than all
this mess
not succeeding
just breathing

and the same water rushes
over my toes
this story goes
on and on
Chapters get longer
wills get stronger
friends change
I'm finding comfort
in trying to stay the same

I'm grabbing at the wind
as it chases me around again
threatening the same sweet songs
to shuffle me along

I'm grabbing at the wind
feels like it's my only friend
wraps my hair about my skin
and I'm alone again

and so, I keep lying,
silent
awake
not sleeping
just breathing

My Pride

2007-09-01T09:24:00.000-07:00

I want to silence
everything but your voice
still and small

I want to submit my will
to yours
as you work through us all

and this pride:
an empty, demonic
promise inside
I want it to die
-------------
I want to silence
everything but your voice
inside

and if I wait I know
I'll hear you clearer,
than ever before

help me close
this open door
theres' only death
you hold so much more

understand
this anger
is fear
is my own self righteous,
self loathing, inside

I need your rain
to clean my eyes
till all I hold onto
is you
inside

I need your silence
to take over
my self reliance

I need to humble
myself
infront of everyone else
because
nothing else

you ask me to
and I love you

Faith

2007-08-19T23:11:00.000-07:00

I am noticing that, the more I feel most "off the rocker" the more I tend to trust in God.

It's not when things are easy, when things are "great". When I am happy with life and love and the good times.

It's when I am hanging on by a thin thread of sanity, with frailty, that I cry out, desparate for Him to answer me. So needing His touch on my life, on my situation, because, quite frankly, there is nothing else left or there for me to cling too.

tonight, is one of those nights. I find myself driving franticly through streets, searching for a cure for my "ailment". Feeling soooo much more alone, because I have no clue where/how to find anything here, it's all foriegn, as am I ... and I have No health-care ... (smart Amy, very Smart) and I am feeling really like I'm almost loosing it, and I cry out, I NEED YOU!!!

and I find, I listen more too, perhaps with the intent that if I listen to His still small voice that I will somehow receive His good gifts in just the right time as too NOT need the worlds' help. But I think in the end, these things don't really matter, for if I had faith the size of a mustard seed I would be fine ... and I want to be fine ...

but oh, why is that so hard for me to find?

2007-08-07T07:05:00.000-07:00

I want to do something
that means something
in my life
with every ounce of me
everything I fight to be
the stuff I hate in the mirrior
that I look and see

I want to do something
that means something
in someone elses' life
give them the chance to fight
show them what I hold
to be right

am I selfish
in secure
impure
am I chasing a dream
that has no meaning
just dust
in my mind
fragments of time

In my selfish hole
I refuse to give up
I don't think thats my job
just yet
and I can't forget
what's been commissioned to me
even though
I don't even know
exactly what It is.

I want the blinders off my eyes
I need to know
if what I'm doing is right
if I should bother even to fight

but I suppose if I did
the spirit would be ruined
so instead I struggle on
wishing I could write
this new song
and others would hear
and sing along

Lament

2007-07-18T14:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Lord
I am broken
I don't even know where to begin
I'm shackled by my
guilt and shame
enslaved to my own sin

I'm drowning in a sea
of emptyness
wondering if
all this distress
is
too great
for you
to take

Dear Lord
I am sinking
within my own muck and mire
clouds of black
scarring my back
I'm a traitor
and a liar

wishing that
I could take back
what i haven't
even yet done
my thoughts are
captive
I hold them back
if there is even one

Oh Lord
make me strong again
forgive my heart
bring me back to the start
Oh Lord
make me beautiful again
your flower
in this hour
Oh Lord
I want to be
only for you
and die,
to me

only your mercy
is enough
only your grace
can save
my face
my soul
my spirit

i want to be
only for you
and die
to me

2007-06-20T23:28:00.000-07:00

Life has been very interesting in the last little while. This blog now sort of serves like my diary, since prob. not alot, if anyone, really reads it!!

So, yah, busy life, work is pretty nuts for me right now, in the middle of two contracts that are big, and trying to pull the paper together is always challenging...I was asked recently to be in a leadership position with my church, which, I'm beginning to realize, really carries with it a tone of responsibility. I now own a part of the responsibility of this little church, San Diego Church. It's a neat and really scary place to be in, but I am excited none the less...I am a slight bit worried too.

I mean, that I'm going to have to interact with people who are just people, and even though we all call Jesus, Lord, we are all just people and we'll say stuff and do stuff that may offend some, unintentionally, or otherwise. All these thoughts stem from a conversation I had with Evan tonight. And it's just drawn me to really really think about things, and even more so, my relationship with God.

I don't know, I'm kind of rambling, and I think my toilet is running so I should check that. At any rate, thoughts to ponder.

Bring Me Back to You

2007-06-11T16:44:00.000-07:00

kneeling plastic covers
my aching head
the ticking doesn't stop
the ticking's not the clock

wondering feeling
floating and aching
crying to You
it's all I know how to do

This tired state of mind
brings crashings of time
why am I blind

Bring me back to You
bring me back to the error
so who wants to live forever
Bring me back to You

Bring me back to You
dying the lies inside
a purposeful shade of white
Bring me back to You

remembering the daze
confusion doesn't care
we can't see what's really there

now my minds dry
my wills freezing in time
these troubles of the
temporary kind

Oh ... This tired state of mind
brings crashings of time
why am I blind

Oh, why can't I see when I'm broken
Broken
Oh, why can't I see when I'm broken
Broken
There's only one choice to be spoken
Spoken
Oh, Bring Me Back ...

Five24.07

2007-05-24T20:54:00.000-07:00

i stand
ashamed
at my lack of faith

broken
that I couldn't see
you
carrying me

father
holder
and keeper
of all my tears
please catch a couple more
as they pour

and where were you?
standing right beside
where were you?
holding me straight

guardian
mighty rock
that shelters me from the storm
please cover me now
keep me warm

in these misty days
I just can't seem to find
peace of mind
but let your Glory fall
around us all

and i will humbly lift you high
stretch my weak hands
into your endless sky
you are too good for words
to precious to imagine
too wonderful
our maker
healer and friend
comfort us again

The Bomb

2007-05-12T20:56:00.000-07:00

Fireworks
like a million
sparkling fireflies
smash into
the midnight sky

unknowns
unfold before
my eyes
uncertain tears
i cry
holding these
nervous twitches
so deep inside

so close
this D-Day comes
to which
scaping country
shall I be forced to run

into the arms
of a natural north
or the
shining bright
lights
of the cities
and mighty
americanized
pity?

I just don't know
which way
this wind will blow
but
I'll let you know

Midnite Oil

2007-04-29T23:05:00.000-07:00

midnite oil
precious thing to burn
you live
you learn
everyone takes their turn

madness turns to sadness
in a blink of an eye
but arn't we all blind
staring too hard
trying to find

ways out
adultries play out
mind games
masterpeices
fall underneath
themselves

they tumble down
this fake
upside down frown
drip to the floor
we beat ourselves
just a little bit more

you live
you learn
everyone takes thier turn
midnite oil
a precious thing to burn

BLUE

2007-04-16T20:17:00.000-07:00

stuck in a city
a million miles
of sallow self pity
i feel so alone

and lonelyness
my hearts
cry
i guess
beside myself
there's no one else

blue
is my room
city stars
can't brighten
my night
it's blue

the world gets smaller
the orders get taller
and i
sit here,
wondering,

what
i'm doing here
while friends change
families go away
my heart remains
tied to what I
miss so much

I'm just tired
of feeling
inadequate
selfserving
selfish

un title

2007-03-20T22:42:00.000-07:00

So here I am
as numb as before
broken
bleeding
fogotten meaning
crashing down
to the floor
wait for the ray
of hope
to take flight
soften the skin
of the pale
dance moonlight
and take me
away
one more day
to fight
dare to dance
into the light
His might
my blind sight
and He
makes me
stronger

Night this time

2007-02-04T19:57:00.000-08:00

Big cement hole
so many pretty things
filled with all the colors
this money can bring

it's all gonna burn
one day
up in flames
these fireworks

He sees it all from above
a secret satelite
revolving a million miles per second
He still loves

Still loves the man
in the Big cement hole
for a 'home'
4 cars in the garage

just wants him to look up
from the pool, sundeck and fire
see the stars through the night
see the demons and liars

What things really are
dust, wildflowers and wind
we'll be gone soon enough
my friend

though now we see the night
to me, the stars seem extra bright
and all this 'stuff'
I'll manage what I can

and pray I get to the otherside
still alive.

My Surrender

2007-01-31T07:24:00.000-08:00

I feel like I want to write
but there are no words
only unspoken
emotions bobbing
in a dark glassy sea
which is my heart

there is no confusion
no anger
but frustration
sadness
and overwhelming
ache
for a life that I thought was mine

but coming to this place of surrender
laying it all down
means stripping myself
from what I think I am
and everything that I want
bowing on my knees
before my King

it's everything
everything
I give You everything
and even still
my gift seems empty

As I reach into this tired heart
pull all my emotion out
before you
like a jealous little girl
wanting to keep it all to herself

I can't, cause it's hurting me
I cannot keep it any more
it's blinding what I think I can see

And so, I surrender
I lay it all down
spill it out
on my broken stained floor
it's all I am,
all no one else can see
it's me, God
all of me

So, I give you my lips
to form your name
I give you my voice
to sing out your fame
I give you my hands
to lift you up high
I give you my heart
that others my find you
I give you my heart
that others would know you

And I'll wait for your repair
upon my life
I hold so dear
God I love you
Jesus I need you
Spirit, I feel you
and I
surrender

This little girl's prayer

2007-01-23T08:19:00.000-08:00

Today

will I trust

will I obey

will I stand upon

the mighty rock

cling tight

not get shaken off

will I not get scared

when my ground gives way

when there's 'not enough'

when I move away

will I surrender

all, everything I am

stare deep inside my heart

and offer all I can

it's just me

imperfect

unclean

and in dis-repair

but you reach out

your nail scarred hand

and catch

all my tears

oh, these fears

will they never fade?

never leave my heart alone

escape into the night

how I wish they would go

but I think they stay

so I can love

and trust you more

everyday

oh God,

I wait for you

to lead the way

and as I tightly grip

to the things that you want me

to let go

I know

you are

slowly making

beautiful

in your eyes

2007-01-09T21:53:00.000-08:00

Today I want to step out
remember the sea
remember there's a world
so much bigger than me

remember that life's not on the surface
exact
remember how to keep my spirit/soul intact
Today I want to reach out and touch the sun
remember this adventure
remember how it begun
with only a dream

one glimmer of hope
and now the worlds
just dangling by a frayed corded rope

And as the sea shines
in this heart of mine
lighter than the sky
I wish I could jump off the rocks and fly

A shimmering waste land
this city holds
thousands of heart beats
and mine joins the drones
of broken and strugging
help me have peace inside
this mire that doesn't make sense.

God, don't leave us here
in this asbestic shell of fear
Heads pounding
Hearts aching
until we look out to the sea
and remember
the world is so much bigger
than
me

2007-01-05T20:47:00.000-08:00

These shoes look worn

but they're brand new

They speak of character

some 'soul-shoe-glue'

and who can say

where these shoes will go

who they'll meet

who they'll show

what steps they'll take

what promises they'll brake

what lives they'll change

who's priorities they'll re-arrange

if only one other soul in this whole wide world

meets the person in these average shoes

my heart will rest easy my soul be peace news

my prayer for these shoes

that the person within

who steps and trodds

on God's green earth

will then take His love to heart

and share with the world

why there's comfort in these shoes

and nothing but good news

for the broken hearted

the poor in spirit

and this little peacemaker

will run in these shoes

towards stages,

towards mics'

towards the lost

towards the children

who need to hear

why there's comfort

and hope

peace, forever

-- in these shoes.

A Fresh Start

2006-12-23T20:19:00.000-08:00

well, I did not think that I'd find myself writing on this blog again. But, it just goes to show that everyone needs a little privacy.
I find myself needing this space now, more than ever it seems, to write, what I know no one will see.

It's me
now in a foriegn land,
it amazes me how easy (or hard?) it can be to wear a mask of contentment,
a shell of this sort of 'fake' happyness, pretending that everything is o.k.
My situation, is now, just as I had feared, except now, there is no one to run too, no one to call, no one to share my fears and my frustrations,
so it shall be you
my little cyber white screen
as I type
I'll clear my thoughts
refocus upon God, and what else is important
and begin the day
again
as if a fresh start
was all I needed

EXODUS

2006-11-17T09:30:00.000-08:00

I know it's been a while,
we have a new blog:
www.crashingcalifornia.blogspot.com
where we will chronicle our life from here on out -- moving to San Diego, and the trip down, and afterwards.

Peace forever and God Bless --
a.

Journey VS Destiny

2006-10-18T08:21:00.000-07:00

The journey is more important than the destiny

Destiny is what is 'meant' (perhaps) to be
what we 'should' become, come from,
it's the 'end of the line'
rather indefinable otherwise
this illusive thing we chase as our hearts race
I don't believe it changes
I think it was created, the same time as our little bodies
began forming, knit together in miraculous wonder like no other
unseen from prying eyes and untouched yet by worldly lies
as our souls were loving placed into the human race by the hand of God,
our destiny shone forward, within the intricately knit fabric of time
Created in the image of God
----------------------------
Journey is how we get there
the bumps, the turns, the tears
over years
heartaches, hope-aches
the long silences, the soft smiles
Time that equals miles and miles of unmeasured connections
afflictions
our aspirations that collide with fears
anxieties turned to beauty
heated moments of envy turned humility
on this large road map of life, where each line drawn, scribbled out, highlighted, tear streaked, and followed
I believe
our refining fire
that leads us carefully towards His desire
and shapes us to His --- Destiny

One and the same?
He knows my name ...
Journey is Destiny
How we get there is measured on earth in years
but from heaven -- it's the birth canal to Eternity

Sun

2006-10-14T08:36:00.000-07:00

(This written originally, years ago, seated by the river - i think...)

God is like the sun
always there, always shining, never going for long, always faithful, coming back, day after day (after day)

The world is so busy, running around, we never stay still, if we do, it's not long -- it's not near long enough.
We move, we work, we shower, and exercise, we have sex, seldom make love, have kids, cars, mortgages, have cancers and ulcers,
and we expect mankind to cure all our ills, when, we caused it all in the first place.
We are slaves and victims of our own torture. Best times are spent alone in the sun, letting it beat down on you, looking across fields to only see country , rolling hills, vastness -- only crumbles in the paved streets and cement tombs we live in.
Laying, crumbled in a heap, sweaty, stinky, fat, slobby, worrying about work, and money and clothes -- contemplating which mask to wear next....

But the sun, always there. Shining, allowing us to shed our clothes to bathe in it's purity, allowing it to penetrate, us. (and maybe, make us see.... who we are really meant to be)

Pretty much sums up my feelings right now...

2006-10-13T08:29:00.000-07:00

"October, the trees stripped bare, of all they wear, what do, I, care?" -- U2

-------------
Stripping Bare,
of every care,
every item
I held so dear
boxes and broken
litter
bags of memories
given
sold
lost
destroyed
so all I hold
a future
untold
in my heart
bring's me back
to the start
--------------------

Brotherly Love?

2006-10-11T20:57:00.000-07:00

Today is full of ups and downs.
Up: heard from a church (in San Diego...go figure) that is interested in Jay and I /our music and stuff....
Down: My brother is upset because I told him that he prob. won't be able to come live with us in the States. This is a large 'down' for a couple reasons...a) I think he's manipulating my mom into thinking I'm some big mean sister oger, b) he's manipulating me into thinking that too. c) what if I am a big sister oger.... it's like this -- I love my brother, sooo much, he's my little bro, but at the same time, we have a different relationship, because there's so much age difference, we're not really close, like a typical brother/sister would be, so I end up feeling more like a parent in most intances than a sister. and I admit, I struggle between the two. Anyways, my mom called me today, all super concerned because D. is all bummed that I told him he won't be able to come live with us, "even though he'll have all this money saved etc. etc." and I'm just trying to be realistic... and tell him, you know, we may not even be able to stay there, and I can't work yet...we'll be waiting who knows how long for my stuff, let alone his stuff. Plus, I think it may be a bad move on his part, I really feel like he needs to grow up some. He needs to find God, stop listening to his ridiculous rap crap and start to figure himself out, before he goes anywhere else. (In a perfect world). It would be different if I had lived there for years and we were established and stuff, I don't know, deep down, I just feel bad because I'm scared I hurt him, bottom line, regardless of whether hes manipulative or not, I guess I'm just a sucker... and I really hate thinking of all this while trying to plan to leave my life behind, it's hard enough.
Advice is appreciated....

To: San Diego

2006-10-05T16:15:00.000-07:00

Prayer -- answered
unexpected friend
new
life
leave
old
road
less travelled
southern sun
I run
to the sea
birds fly
with me

My Anxieties

2006-09-30T08:38:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to feel the numb cold fingers of insecurity
wrapping their slippery claws
around my stomach
I've been emailing churches (almost at random) for the last couple days
with a letter that explains me and Jay in a nutshell, for those who care
and basically asking for help --
I've heard back from only two so far
one, who didn't get my attachment (so 'reply' and 'attach' and 'send' again...)
and another who, asked me if we had a myspace page
(like, what does that mean??)
so I respond,
and he wants to know what our music is like..
(and here's where those cold fingers come in)
and all of a sudden, I'm thinking.....

k, we don't look like a 'church' band
we don't sound like a 'christian' band
and (PLEASE REMIND ME AGAIN)
I don't want to be a 'Christian' band...

SIDEBAR --- don't' get me wrong here, I LOVE God, Jesus Christ, with all my heart, mind and spirit, I just don't want to be lumped into some, easy to swallow, non-offending, milk toast category, that is safe for all, and sooooo very (in my opinion) Ineffective in the harvest fields of the WORLD that Christians seem to feel they need to shut themselves off from. On the other side I'll probably Poop my pants twice when we have to start playing and living what I just said, but I'd rather do that and fail miserably than stay 'clean' and not reach out --- k, sidebar ends.....
so here I am, emailing away my life on a sheet of paper to churches in Southern California, hoping and praying like I never have before, that somewhere, someone, will hear the voice of God and be like " hey, I have to help these people..." not as in, I want to be famous, I just think right now we need a good family, down there, who will open their doors and say "yes, we welcome you, we believe God does amazing things for those who follow by faith, and we know we're supposed to be here for you".

Everything is uncertain, except God's promises.

Lord, help me to stand on your word, your work, your vision, for you are my Rock, my Real
my Redeemer, and people will be as shifting shadows, but you are the shaft of light that breaks through us all.

I'm ATTACHED!

2006-09-28T18:10:00.000-07:00

So, I spent ALL day in front of my computer!
GEEK
(I mean, it's my job, so it's not soooo bad...but still..)
anyways, had a good day, started to email out to churches and stuff in California to see tif anyone out there can help -- I've already heard from 2 people -- both in San Diego area.. (hmmm, further south than we had originally had planned, but we're not planning...if you know what I mean...)
And I also updated my graphics site, which I (embarrassingly) haven't done since last year! Yikes, it's amazing how long emailing and updating websites can take, and on top of all that, I did work on normal stuff...
Jammed yesterday and we video'd ourselves, it wasn't as scary as I had thought it was going to be... but there are some things I can work on, the video does not lie! I'm going to start to try to rig a couple shows, but it's so hard, and I feel like i have NO idea what I'm doing...so we'll see how that goes...
(sigh)
I'm going to end with some prose....
------------------------------------
Yesterday
Please remind me
shadows and suddenly
no one can stay
we all go away

So leaves fall
southern sun calls
my breath fades
and we wait

pack our things
everything life brings
tumble into a box
heart shaped locks

and leaves roll on
southern sun strong
my breath stays
life matters this way

my soul looks forward
as days grow colder
mystery
makes history
leaves soon gone
southern sun
beam on

Sign of the Time

2006-09-25T11:38:00.000-07:00

I think that Autumn has finally arrived in glory
it's starting to look golden, beautifully intricate treasures
falling falling to the ground.
the sunshine peaking through masses of clouds,
melting away the cold damp
and turning the world (here) into more of a warm haven inbetween summer's heat and winter's chill.
------------------------------
Life is a strange desire lately --
trying to plan to go away, and EVERYONE seeming to care all of a sudden about
'where' we're going ,
and 'oh, how brave you are' are contrasted with those,
not so glowing statements of
'wow, supposed to be pretty hard to get a visa now', and 'hmmm, well, good luck to ya.' 's
it's really beginning to show, who our REAL friends are,
those who truly care about our wellbeing, with gentle encouragement, kind words, and loving prayers,
and those who are just jealous, or angry in their own worlds,
too shallow and sinking into their own mire.

I know, I may seem sort of 'trite' in my own description of this...it's a pretty interesting predicament, and one, I think only those who have wagered their lives and uprooted for the sake of following God's lead and adventure, would understand.

There is alot of praying to be done yet ... and alot of battles to be fought and won ... in time, we will be all the more wise, and all the more closer to God.

Counting...

2006-09-22T17:25:00.000-07:00

So, have you ever actually tried counting sheep if you can't sleep?
Last night
I did
haunted by the fact that I could NOT sleep, for the life of me at about 2:45a.m.
and short from just getting up, after laying there
and tossing and turning for what seemed like
F O R E V E R
I thought
what the hey....
so I shut my eyes tight
and made a deal that I wouldn't open them again
till I had reached at least 100
sheep
the first 30 were cool, just cute little sheeps
jumping over a small fence,
with one of those moons with the retro cool smilie face...
after about 50 I started making them do funnier things
to amuse myself,
and break the
monotony
so they danced,
jogged,
'night at the roxbury-ied'
over the fence
and after about 100 and some....
the last I remembered was
110...or so,
you know what

it worked

go figure

random thought from a. =)

This really is my brain through the rain!

2006-09-21T08:30:00.000-07:00

Grey is the heavy silence of monotony that seeps into my bones
and rain drains down the sky
into puddles and pools of cold wet
----
It's been raining here for like, a week at least, feels like longer, I think it is....
it's dreary and cold, and autumn landing
not with the beauty of golden reds and fire on trees,
but with cold, heavy wet, almost dead
Leaves fall then get mulched in the pavement,
no crisp crackling.
but it does fit with my mood.
Fall is change, natures transition into death and slow sleep
and I feel like life is like that too
transition, leaving, dying to this part of life
getting prepared and ready
for what's next
somber rememberances of this year...
goals attained, and goals falling away
my biggest disapointment right now is our band,
I feel like (as Adam so graciously put it)
too little too late
how can I look ahead?
What can keep me on fire, I feel like I'm the only one...
maybe, just maybe our band right now is going to sleep
only to awake, a time later, with new hope
new songs
and a peak
of sunshine

Isaiah 48 - Stubborn Israel

2006-09-18T08:42:00.000-07:00

1 "Listen to this, O house of Jacob, you who are called by the name of Israel and come from the line of Judah, you who take oaths in the name of the LORD and invoke the God of Israel— but not in truth or righteousness-
2 you who call yourselves citizens of the holy city and rely on the God of Israel— the LORD Almighty is his name:
3 I foretold the former things long ago, my mouth announced them and I made them known; then suddenly I acted, and they came to pass.
4 For I knew how stubborn you were; the sinews of your neck were iron, your forehead was bronze.
5 Therefore I told you these things long ago; before they happened I announced them to you so that you could not say, 'My idols did them; my wooden image and metal god ordained them.'
6 You have heard these things; look at them all. Will you not admit them? "From now on I will tell you of new things, of hidden things unknown to you.
7 They are created now, and not long ago; you have not heard of them before today. So you cannot say, 'Yes, I knew of them.'
8 You have neither heard nor understood; from of old your ear has not been open. Well do I know how treacherous you are; you were called a rebel from birth.
9 For my own name's sake I delay my wrath; for the sake of my praise I hold it back from you, so as not to cut you off.
10 See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.
11 For my own sake, for my own sake, I do this. How can I let myself be defamed? I will not yield my glory to another.
Israel Freed 12 "Listen to me, O Jacob, Israel, whom I have called: I am he; I am the first and I am the last.
13 My own hand laid the foundations of the earth, and my right hand spread out the heavens; when I summon them, they all stand up together.
14 "Come together, all of you, and listen: Which of the idols has foretold these things? The LORD's chosen ally will carry out his purpose against Babylon; his arm will be against the Babylonians.
15 I, even I, have spoken; yes, I have called him. I will bring him, and he will succeed in his mission.
16 "Come near me and listen to this: "From the first announcement I have not spoken in secret; at the time it happens, I am there." And now the Sovereign LORD has sent me, with his Spirit.
17 This is what the LORD says— your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: "I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.
18 If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea.
19 Your descendants would have been like the sand, your children like its numberless grains; their name would never be cut off nor destroyed from before me."
20 Leave Babylon, flee from the Babylonians! Announce this with shouts of joy and proclaim it. Send it out to the ends of the earth; say, "The LORD has redeemed his servant Jacob."
21 They did not thirst when he led them through the deserts; he made water flow for them from the rock; he split the rock and water gushed out.
22 "There is no peace," says the LORD, "for the wicked."

Now or Never

2006-09-16T08:30:00.000-07:00

I heard from the US Consulate @ the beginning of this week in regards to my pending "American" citizenship -- I've been waiting paitently for, for the last 8 months -- and they informed me in a really SHORT email, (one line of official blue text) that "Sorry, may be November" -- so with that information on our plate, J. and I did some official discussin of our own and have decided to go to the states first, and apply for my appropriate paperwork down there, it will be hard, because I won't be able to work, or possibly stay for more than 6 months, but J. really wants to go, as in REALLY, and for the sake of my marriage, and the fact that I really want to go too, we're going to step out (in faith) and try to make a go of it. There is lots of stuff to take care of here, but I really feel like the timing is good, all things considered, we're trying to connect now with our California friends, in hopes that someone will help us or take us in for a while till we figure out what's going on...but our target date (if there can be one) is November 15th to be driving away south.
The weather here sucks (it's snowing already up north, and here it's all grey, cold, rain and wind) and I can feel the California dream becoming life, I don't want it to slip away.

My Zip Line

2006-09-12T07:03:00.000-07:00

How is it that I've come so far from myself
What happens in one year?
So much change
and yet
I still cling to the same
All of the dread
there is comfort in being sad
and I sometimes miss who I once was
I'm feeling dead inside
alive but some part is gone
the lonelyness? I think it is
and I miss it, how is that sane?
can demons will you to mourn loosing the crutch that you've held onto so long?
I do feel lonely
and wondering what will be
begging to get out of here
and hanging on so tight to the stuff that comforts me
so I don't want to leave
But
I think it's like a zip line
you're scared
but you know that if you don't do it
you'll be missing out on the funnest thing to do at camp

Falling Man

2006-09-11T20:50:00.000-07:00

BANG
lights are out
scream and shout
kaos
and catastrophe
maybe it's just me
maybe if I run just far enough
close my eyes
just wake up
----------------------------

burning ember
to remember
unknown soldier
of an earth growing colder
life and lights
pride and might
torn and taken
hearts
forever breaking
and so he falls

captured kaos
frozen digital disaster

so we'll remember
may we never forget

The final chapter

2006-09-08T20:36:00.000-07:00

This is the ending,
the final paragraph
to the chapter
of this part of my life,
this year.
This part of the book,
has come to a close --
this epilogue
becomes the prologue
to something
larger
than I can see

Some more pictures....painting in progress...

2006-09-06T22:09:00.000-07:00

2006-09-06T21:57:00.000-07:00

A farmer went out to plant some seed.

As he scattered it across his field, some seeds fell on a footpath, and the birds came and ate them.

Other seeds feel on shallow soil with underlying rock. the plants sprang up quickly but they soon wilted beneath the hot sun and died because the roots had no nourishment in the shallow soil.

Other seeds fell among thorns that shot up and choked out the tender blades.

But some seeds fell on fertile soil and produced a crop that was thirty, sixty, and even a hundred times as much as had been planted.

-----------------------------------------------------

So, this is my labor of love and inspiration of the past month. An illustration of the Parable of the soils from Mark 13. I was "commissioned" by my church for our upcoming sermon series that will run through the year.
Each panel is 3' x 8', making the whole painting 12' x 8'.
Blood, sweat and tears went into it (literally in some cases)
I hope people get it =)

LIKE YOU

2006-08-31T18:41:00.000-07:00

We think we know,
what we think we know
realize
not
what is unseen
you stare, vacant, backatwards at me
through blue light
you color the night
dragons's don't fear you
they wrap themselves around and through
tails and scales
deceptivley smooth
teeth dripped and dipped
and yet it continues
self-righteous garbage disposal
blank eyes, fake smiles
stench that goes on for miles
the real smog that covers
our cities
we all think she's so pretty
underneath the make-up cake
crystal clear fake
don't make
me
wanna be like
you

i am not

2006-08-29T20:39:00.000-07:00

How is it that we are so easy to see the lumber in someone's eye
and yet pray that our 'spec' might be removed so easily....
How does God judge us?
work for us?
use things to benefit us?
use natures against us?
to mold us and make us realize, we are not stable
our world is shifting
nerves shaking...
How does He use little children
delicate innocence
to humble us
turn us around into the child we once were --
to show us what we used to love
and how to love again
How does God protect us from shifting shadows
lanky dark demons we cannot see
How does He free us
from bondage never before broken
strongholds so tight, they cannot be shaken off
but He takes them off
How does God care about every hair?
Every feeling, construct every meaning
to the very end
And
Why does He bother?
Because
He loves
is love
jealousy
mighty
heavenly
safety
glorious
warrior
El Shaddi
everlasting
all forgiving
King of all Kings
Alpha and Omega
Peace
Perfect
and
i
am
not

Storm

2006-08-23T07:53:00.000-07:00

God's power played out above our heads last night...

Peace in Thunder
Sky High
Electric Wonder
Winds Blowing
Heart beat going
faster
Rains upon Rains
flooding drenching
this scorched dry
hurting earth
A million watt light show
and a deafening serenade

God Passing By

-- this photo taken from my backyard =)

Jet Plane

2006-08-21T05:47:00.000-07:00

This is a song, inspired by Sunday Morning, dream followers, a Jet Plane and my beautiful friend E. -- who is now overseas -- and which her guitar helped me write. I wish I could somehow post the melody of what it sounds like, but, I can't so I apologize in advance!

Today I saw a jet plane
reminds me,
will I see you again
I think of you
out in the blue

Skyhighs a jet plane --
oceans apart
sky calls me all the same
I miss you
endless blue

my friend
I thank again
I met you
streets long ago
just knew
one day
I'd follow

beauty in a jet plane
white stripe
will see you again
I hope I do
I cry into the blue

I think of you
and Jet planes
plans unfold
we'll never be the same
old you's
disappear into the blue

my friend
I thank again
I admire you
streets long ago
just knew --
I'm following

Glimpse

2006-08-21T05:32:00.000-07:00

Catching a glimpse of heaven
I see
your beautiful children
eyes fixed on Thee
holding our hands up
for everyone to see
praising our Father
one
and
three

and as it ends
your spirit transcends
through space to our hearts
lives committing
making a new start
Thank You God!
For blessings I cannot comprehend
or contain
may we all bless you again

in heaven

Natures Sigh

2006-08-18T07:06:00.000-07:00

The days are not getting warmer anymore
the sun exits earlier, getting more and more bored of this northern wasteland
the trees and grass are green, but in a lazy, suspended summer animation sort of way
something is in the air
the mornings (like this one)
are calm, sunny, but in an unspoken tension
that softly breathes and battles :
not for long,
natures' silently, secretly preparing for death
the coma of winter
that follows the fall
will decend before we know it
time is no friend of mine

Musician ponderings on an early morning....

2006-08-16T06:07:00.000-07:00

through all of my delusion
and confusion
for meaning and purpose
a solidarity
a complexity
of what it really means
comes into focus everyonce in while
usually when I align myself to my Saviour
do I fully realize
that I don't understand
and I'm not supposed
to
I'm in that place now

I've spent the last week or so, really in a bizzare state of mind: sort of sick (physically) so my brains just not working. and just involved in this wierd brain game of wondering if I'm doing the right thing (it amazes me really just how much time I can spend there) and all the things that I "think I'm supposed to be doing" verses "what really matters" or exactly what God's perspective is on the whole thing. And I keep coming back to the first commandment " Love the Lord your God with all your heart (spirit), with all your soul (myself), and all your mind (intellect) and love your neighbor as yourself."
I don't know if what we're embarking on is the right thing -- I just dont'. But can we go through the motions and give glory to God, and love our "neighbors" while we do it -- Absolutely. And since we're gifted for reasons we can't explain (It's not US doing it) . I think it's o.k. to just keep going, afterall faith is one foot infront of the other, eyes on heaven in praise..not concerned for lack of ground below, just that we're in community with God and people.
I read this really interesting book the last couple days' called Simplicity, written by the lead singer of Stavesacre -- I found it pretty insightful on some stuff that I had been feeling sort of the same way about -- it's a good read, if you're a musician esp. -- I guess that was a sidebar. But it did start me on the journey of wondering about myself, and our music, and what the heck it all means...and where I "want to fit" as opposed to if I should be wondering that...etc. etc. but when I listen to our songs, I'm reminded how they are so NOT of ME. and I'm comforted -- and I do feel like I'm in the right direction.

The grass withers
the flowers fade away
but the word of God
stands forever

My heart crys

2006-08-09T10:06:00.000-07:00

I wish that I could be mad at you
get angry at the things I think you do
discover what I've always thought to be true
but your heart does not lie

instead it tells me what I want to hear
through a haze of drunken fear
pleading to know that you're truly here
not a just passer-by

and so my heart hardens each day
pleading with Jesus to make this go-away
and through the silence He whispers
"just one more day"
and I remember I am forgiven

My new painting

2006-08-03T17:44:00.000-07:00

There is nothing like the excitment of a new project.
The planning, the alignment of my ideas
thoughtscapes become
a landscape
of line and color and texture
beauty becomes undone upon a white veil
---------------
what inspiration will arise -- brings me to my knees

once again
I
feel
alive

2006-07-13T21:41:00.000-07:00

So, i'm feeling this crazy drive to write, I guess, it's one of 'those' nights, dark, quiet and meaningful enough to scrap down.

we jammed tonight, with, hopefully our newest and keeper bass player, A. I like him, quite a guy, been through crazyness and back and now, just loves God, and is trying his best...like us rest. and Ad. seemed great today too, sometimes I feel like i have a weird sort of 'mothering' type relationship with him, or maybe big sister is the better word...i don't know, but it was good.

Jammed for an hour and a half...still don't know when we'll be able to play, we want to get tight and sounding good, but how long will that take, and how long will we be left here? Jay and I? i just don't know, Montreal hasn't called yet..so we're left wondering...and sometimes I wonder if I'm even good enough...I have to remember that God's totally taken care of that part for me.

well, it'll be an adventure I'm hoping, I really feel like I've been focusing so much these last couple day's on the band, it's neat and in a way, feels right, I just wish we could get on with it, start playing places, there's a part of me that's so insecure about how I'll do, I feel like i need all the practice in the world...like I won't be prepared without it...and I certainly can't go to L.A. with nothing under my belt, that's how I feel. But I have to remeber Phil. where it says don't be anxious about anything...etc. etc. I just really hope that everything we're working for is not for loss, or in vain, but in reality, nessassary and ultimately God Breathed.

I pray it is.

Goodnight

2006-07-04T21:20:00.000-07:00

Dusk smells heavy on the heart
as sadness drips down my walls
each note
a tear, a sigh, a wondering passerby
slowly, soothing
night into my little black box
with little blue walls
night stillness except for the
life outside the window
exhaleling the day
into windows with night breezes
gently
softly
a lone piano trill, upwards, into my heart
Goodnight

Which do you listen too?

2006-06-30T07:46:00.000-07:00

We 'plan' our lives, but God directs our steps.... and they dont even have to be in the same direction...
Life is always in transition, but sometimes more than others...right now everything is changing, everything is starting (has been) to shift, it's all unknown, but as we struggle to 'fix' ourselves, by thinking we don't have to be fixed, we are quietly worked on, for Good or Evil. An old friend once said "if you feed the black dog, he gets bigger".
I want to feed the other, and even though life hurts, is weird, unexplainable, changing, sometimes totally bizarre, we can never say, it's not full, and never deny that there's purpose behind every hurt, every mistake, every smile. Because, if we do...the black dog licks his chops

Yahweh Shalom

2006-06-28T21:02:00.000-07:00

Quietness of Head and Quietness of Heart

one keeps you sane

the other keeps you hunting for more

It is the pursuit of these that points your eyes towards...

Gazing Above myself

2006-06-28T06:59:00.000-07:00

what light through yonder skyscape breaks
that paints sweet rays across your blue face
that whispers morning song to her colourful friends
that melts the waters that swirl and bend
to your love
this world above
creates a portrait of you
ever travelling
beautifully unending

Sadness, I guess

2006-06-23T21:17:00.000-07:00

Morning Ponderings...

2006-06-23T06:22:00.000-07:00

I am glad that no one can really see the real me
it's one of those things we try really carefully to hide away in an old box somewhere...
and through it all, as we try to be honest with ourselves
we realize that sometimes we try to hide the real "me" from "me"
I dont' want to hide, I dont want to subsist in an old brown box
waiting for my grandchildren to find out that I was this or into that and wondering why they never saw that -- only a kind old lady feeding them cookies

believing and living a life that actually matters
is all I want
so why is it so hard, to even be honest with ourselves?

DREAM

2006-06-22T08:13:00.000-07:00

cold
hard
unknown
dark
and blinding
sharp
shards
of dream
ripp
at my seams
fear
and falling
trying to call
but no one
can hear
my mute tear
getting colder
ice, frozen
lodged in a space
calling
praying
for wake upon wake
i open my eyes
slowly
disoriented
realize
it's my bed
and I cherish instead
my father
who wakes
me
up

"those who hear not the music think the dancers mad"...

2006-06-20T21:28:00.000-07:00

I hear the heat, gently roar through the house, the quiet click of computer keys and the every once in a while drive-by motor-car.
The sun's gone to bed, the left over cool blue hue of the sky, slowly dissipates darker and darker till all that will be left is a nothing shadow, a blanket of cold night cloaking these streets, lonely people and naughty strangers.
Motivated by sound, I sit, listening to him, listening to something, watch his tear streaked face as he contemplates and re-lives his memories. My "Mad Leprechaun", dizzy disturbing sounds, I do not understand him, yet,
I join in his song

What I hope my weekend is...

2006-05-26T13:32:00.000-07:00

Nothing to grasp Passion DEAD my heart hurt numb playing dumb to the insincerity of a cold, calouse world PLEASE hurl me deep into the arms of a cold fresh ocean of grace and wake me up relight the fire that burned once so bright ready to fight UNLESS the seasons are changing and I am banging my heart to the beat of a different drum let me know either way because I can't stay

What I hope my weekend is....

2006-05-26T13:27:00.000-07:00

Nothing to grasp
Passion
DEAD
my heart
hurt
numb
playing dumb
to the insincerity
of a cold, calouse world
PLEASE
hurl me deep
into the arms
of a cold fresh ocean of grace
and wake me up
relight the fire
that burned once so bright
ready to fight
UNLESS
the seasons are changing
and I am banging
my heart
to the beat
of a different drum
let me know either way
because
I can't stay