Conversation

(sigh)
as i sit, watching the 'wanna-be' snowflakes dancing down to the ground, i wonder. think of my life, (my lie? -- no i don't think so) self ananysis can be the most futile and most ponderful of the things to do... but i want to know where my aches have gone, and I ask, 'do I have to be made this strong...then it hit's me, ton of brick, maybe the whole time, as I pray, over and over, 'God make me strong', he sitting beside, drying my eyes, saying softly ' i don't need YOU to be strong, but find your strength in ME'.
So...but how do I do that?? I ask, i feel like i have to have balls of steel to even survive in this world, and things seem so doomed, kids killing kids, father's raping daughters, innocence is left in the womb now... what's happened to 'sandbox praise'? Now it's like we're thrown out of the aeroplane, our parachute might open, or we'll crash on the rocks below? What's the deal?
and again... God just simply listens, tears in His beautiful, spirit eyes, and he shrugs 'I can't explain the why's, and I can't tell you what the deal is...but...don't stop believing, don't stop teaching, and loving, oh please don't stop that! One thing you need to understand, you are me on earth..
(small gasp) ' but how can we..."
'I chose to do my perfect will, through imperfectness, so that I, father and spirit will be shown in this world and so that many will see and understand and be saved'. I just ask that you follow, listen to me and be patient, because one day you will see me face to face, though now you just see a distant reflection.'
(so I'm still, i sit and tears fill my eyes) it's true then that no one can know the full depth of the love of God, and I am still learning, everyday a little. So, my prayers will change, 'Lord i don't want to be strong', but more of you, and less of me - please - so it's your strenght they see'.
and He just smiles, catches my tears, and carries me to the next minute of the day.